The Critique of Dan Eats Cat Food.wordpress.com

Posted: February 16, 2009 by kaostheory in Uncategorized

The Characters
Aaron
Kathy, a soccer mom
Elwood, a WW2 vet
Pat, a feminist
Antoine, an “art critic”
The scene is Aaron’s dorm room, in Atlanta

Aaron is finished writing his latest blog entry. He posts it.
Aaron: There we go! Confessions of a Drunken Idiot is posted. Now to wait for the positive reviews to come pouring in, as they surely will with such wonderful content posted online, because obviously the most effective way to gain the public’s attention is through an under-promoted, third-rate blog site dedicated to making people angry.
(Enter Kathy)
Aaron: Can I help you, ma’am?
Kathy: You most certainly can! I am completely offended by what you have put on your blog!
Aaron: I suppose I should be sorry. What particular article offended you? I may be able to edit it down while still keeping the artistic integrity intact.
Kathy: All of it! The entire site is patently offensive!
Aaron: I see. And how did you perhaps come to this conclusion, if I might ask?
Kathy: Of course you can ask! My son, Bronx Moses, was browsing the Internet when he randomly happened upon your…Dan Eats Cat Food at wordpress.com and saw the “cat food” involved therein and decided to look at your site.
Aaron: In my defense, the cat food in question refers to what we are trying to get my friend Dan to eat on camera because of a foolhardy bet he made while drunk.
Kathy: It doesn’t matter! You offended me and you offended my son!
Aaron: May I ask how old your son is?
Kathy: He is three years old.
Aaron: (looking confused and a little appalled) Let me get this straight, to make sure I didn’t misunderstand you. Your three year old son…who you clearly named after celebrity children…was wandering around that bastard landscape of filth known as the Internet unattended by you, your husband, your lesbian lover, his lover, your son, your daughter, your son’s boyfriend, your daughter’s boyfriend, your mother, your husband’s mother, the police officer you saw on the side to “avoid a ticket”, or anyone else…and you’re upset at me?
Kathy: Yes.
Aaron: Your three year old son…a child barely old enough to not play with his own shit is going onto the Internet without supervision, able to contact sexual predators, 4chan members, Spankwire contributors and Democrats…and you’re upset at me?
Kathy:…yes.
Aaron: Your son…who erupted from that Grand Canyon that you call a “hoo-hah” less than a Presidential election ago…is on the Internet talking with iMDB posters, YouTube posters, ESPN.com posters, and pro-ana advocates…chatting about racist terms and the best ways to make sure you stay under eighty pounds for your guido boyfriend and you are upset at me??
Kathy: Well…yeah…
Aaron: Something is clearly wrong with your ethics, Miss Bitch.
Kathy: How dare you?? I ought to sue your disrespectful…
Aaron: Let me guess. Your husband is a lawyer?
Kathy: Yes!
Aaron: But not a real lawyer, right? Not legal…divorce maybe…tax laws…?
Kathy: Um…
Aaron: I figured. Listen lady, whatever unrealistic expectations about the world your little kid acquires from the Internet is no fault of mine. I mean, I have yet to find a real life woman with tits the size of blimps.
Kathy: He called me an “unabashed cocksucker”!!
Aaron: Well…are you?
Kathy: I…
Aaron: The defense rests.
(Enter Elwood – he is furious)
Elwood: What is this garbage?
Aaron: Excuse me?
Kathy: Wait your turn!
Elwood: You wait your turn. I’m the man, so I deserve to be first.
Aaron: Oh my God, I love old people.
Elwood: This crap shouldn’t be on the Intertubes!
Aaron: The what?
Elwood: The Intertubes! That thingamajig you youngsters write your every minute detail of your life on. When I was your age, I wouldn’t dream of exposing my most intimate moments of my for everyone to see. When I was your age, sex was private.
Aaron: When you were my age, cavemen still raped dinosaurs.
Kathy: What are you doing here? I didn’t know that olden folk used the Internet. I thought you people just sat in retirement homes and rotted from the inside out while pooping yourselves.
Elwood: And I thought you womenfolk were only good for squirting out rugrats and nagged our veterans into early graves. Things change.
Aaron: So what’s your problem, old man?
Elwood: What you and your…contributors think is funny really isn’t. It’s not like the old days of comedy.
Aaron: The old days? Like the days where “chink” and “jap” and “Kraut” were acceptable, where black people had to drink from separate water fountains and were more concerned with not getting hung than running a country, and where women were only good for what you were saying?
Elwood: Exactly!
Aaron: So what exactly is so offensive about what has been written on Dan Eats Cat Food.com?
Elwood: It’s…just not the same. Back in my day, we didn’t need to say “fuck” or “cunt” to get a laugh. We were able to rely on real humor to get our points across.
Aaron: Right. So the old Nazi Donald Duck episodes and the Mickey Mouse books where he got an African slave were real humor?
Elwood: Exactly!
Aaron: Tijuana bibles?
Elwood: Wholesome entertainment for the whole family!
Aaron: Really. Really? Daddy Warbucks giving the high hard one to Li’l Orphan Annie is wholesome?
Elwood: It was a different time!
Aaron: I’ll agree with you on that one.
(Enter Antoine – he is irritated)
Aaron: Annnnnd great. We have more annoyed assholes. What’s your problem, Mr. Tight Pants?
Antoine: I…your site is not comedy?
Aaron: Oh, this’ll be good. Dare I ask why or should I just assume you’re full of shit like the other two combatants in this battle royale?
Antoine: Comedy is supposed to make people laugh! It’s not supposed to induce gasps of shock and outrage. Comedy is amusing, not stunning.
Aaron: Oh, really?
Antoine: Yes!
Aaron: So anything comedic is not supposed to offend anyone?
Antoine: Of course not! That is not funny!
Aaron: Wait, so you’re expecting my contributors and me to offer up things that are only funny to the general public?
Antoine: That seems only fair.
Aaron: Okay, let me make sure that I follow you here. Comedians such as Richard Pryor or Lenny Bruce or George Carlin aren’t funny to you?
Antoine: Oh, goodness no!
Aaron: The Seven Dirty Words aren’t hilarious? Can you even recite them?
Antoine: I most certainly cannot!
Aaron: Shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits. How is it that I know these and you don’t?
Antoine: Sir, I am an artiste. I do not enter the realm of such vulgarities as you do.
Aaron: Wait, wait, wait. I bet you like The New Yorker, don’t you?
Antoine: But of course! They have such wonderful jocularities.
Aaron: That’s where our problem lies. I’m not in the comedy business to write things that make you Madison Avenue, pretentious assholes laugh. I am in it to make normal people laugh. People that laugh about crudity and understand the basis behind satirical or overblown statements. People that understand that not everything said in this world needs to be taken literally. I don’t actually want to rape Jennifer Love Hewitt. I just think that it’s a funny statement.
Antoine: You are incorrect, sir. Real comedy exists to fit the mold of the highbrow humor, the fat cat farce, the…uh…rich…jokes.
Aaron: Alliteration isn’t actually funny, you do know that right?
Antoine: Of course it is!
Aaron: See, that’s where you and I differ. You think that tired old gags inspire uproarious displays of laughter. I think they inspire groans of disgust and walking away. You think that modern jokes are motivated by a sheer desire to shock and horrify. I…well, okay I may agree with you on that one, but they aren’t only created specifically for that purpose. They’re also designed to get the reader/listener/viewer/what have you to listen and observe what is being said and why. Just because you can make a pun about Sartre doesn’t mean you’re smart. It just means you have a sense of superiority that can get taken away very easily by a nice slick shit joke. God bless Rabelais. You, on the other hand, are a pretentious dickweed. Do you see the difference?
Antoine: Clearly I do not.
Aaron: I figured as much.
(Enter Pat)
Pat: Chauvinist pig!
Aaron: Oh wonderful. I was just waiting for this one.
Pat: Dog! Filth! Man!
Aaron: Uh…I am the last one.
Pat: You admit it!
Aaron: I admit that I carry male genitalia, yes.
Pat: That makes you inferior!
Aaron: No, it makes me male…
Pat: Which is inferior!
Aaron: Do you have a real complaint?
Pat: Your site is racist against women!
Aaron: I…what?
Pat: You are racist against women! You are gendiracist!
Aaron: But that’s not even a real word…
Pat: Just because you men don’t recognize it doesn’t make it not a real word!
Aaron: But it’s not.
Pat: Yes it is! Rape! Rape!
Aaron: Are…are you out of your fucking mind?
Pat: That is assault! That is assault! Rape!
Aaron: What’s your complaint!
Pat: I told you! You’re racist against women! Your joke about the woman was tasteless!
Aaron: Which one?
Pat: You said, and I quote, “Oh please, girl. I’m gonna –, I’m gonna – , I’m gonna -, I’m gonna – , I’m gonna” in reference to her baby. Implying child abduction is not funny! It is a serious problem, especially with you men stealing babies.
Aaron: Okay, first off, you need to realize exactly what to be offended about. I never implied or inferred I was going to abduct her child.
Pat: You didn’t?
Aaron: Hell no! I implied I was going to abort her baby. Come on, if you’re going to get mad, get mad about the right thing.
Pat: Abortion is a serious issue! Women’s rights are key! Rape! Rape! Rape!
Aaron: Just because you say it doesn’t make it true. And quite frankly, using that as a baseline makes it even less likely that someone is going to believe you if you actually have that happen to you. You do understand cause and effect right?
Pat: You mean cause and womenffect right?
Aaron: That doesn’t make any sense!
Pat: Of course it doesn’t to your male mind! You’re too constrained by your phallocentric state of mind that you refuse to consider that women may have had more to do with civilization than you think!
Aaron: I agree. You fucking cost us a rib. We want it back.
Pat: (stunned silence)
Aaron: Now that I have your attention, finally, I want to give a special message to each of you. Ms. Soccer Mom, it is not my responsibility to protect your son. If you don’t want your son exposed to all the evils of the world, especially mine, you need to make sure that his Internet access is restrained or at very least monitored, preferably by you. You are the best possible firewall that exists between your son and whatever you’re against. Mr. War Vet, the world is changing. It’s an entirely different place than the one you lived in. Racist jokes aren’t commonly considered humorous anymore (although I do find them funny, personally). This world has opened itself up to raw, bitter humor and you need to learn to deal with it or slip even further into senility. Mr. Art Asshole, just because you don’t think something is comedy doesn’t make it not so. I don’t find your sense of humor funny but you do, so that makes it funny to you. You don’t think mine is but I do, so that makes it funny to me. We can differ in our personal tastes. It’s what makes us human. What is wrong is trying to cut off my tastes because you don’t agree. That’s censorship and that’s very wrong. And Ms. Feminist…well…just fuck you. You couldn’t even begin to offer a reasonable sense of discourse and as such aren’t entitled to have any say in this matter. Go back and make me a sandwich. At least then you aren’t cluttering up the room.
Kathy: But…
Elwood: But…
Antoine: But…
Pat: But…
Aaron: No buts. Scoot. Get out of here. I’m working and I need to churn out my next article before my balls get hung on the door. I have deadlines.
All: But we’re offended!
Aaron: And?
All: Uh…can we be on the site?
Aaron: Sure. Now get lost. I have to do this article as a send up of The Critique of the School for Wives. My Satire class is a real bitch.
(End)

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