Interpreting Text Messages for Dummies

Posted: January 31, 2009 by kaostheory in Advice

Hello again and welcome to today’s seminar on how to interpret that scary new phenomenon known as “texting”. “Texting” is a feature integrated in cell phones that is similar to an instant messaging program in that the vast majority of people using it are fucking retards. Oh…and it requires some knowledge of the English language. Unfortunately, texting has also evolved the English language into something that reads like a cross between Gaelic and someone using a speakerphone while suffering an epileptic seizure. We here at DECF want to help those of you with a modest amount of brain cells at least be able to understand the basics of this linguistic rape. Here are some examples.

hlo how r u?: This one is pretty self-explanatory. With a little effort, a normal person can understand that the texter is saying hello and asking the recipient how they are. Of course, understanding why they chose to drop an e, l, a, e, y and o is something entirely different.

so r u gon wif me 2 da killrz concrt n shit?: Okay now we’re moving on to more difficult interpretations. It appears at first glance as if the texter in question banged the phone into their face repeatedly but in fact they are asking an actual question, that being “So are you going to go with me to the Killers concert among other things?”. Note the extraneous use of “shit” as a modifier. Texters find excretory functions necessary components of text speak.

neways da truf is dat i don wan 2 date him nemore…n it hurtz ya no: Ah, emotion in texts! Such a beautiful, sad, hilarious thing. This particular girl in question is relating to her friend her angst about wanting to dump her boyfriend. Surely this must hurt because she lost her virginity in a fog of Natty Light and low-grade pot. Such fragile beauty must not be wasted. She will love again, assuredly.

OMGZ!!!!! u cnt b sryus!: Oh yes, the surprised text. A classic. This particular text is very clear about what is being said. The texter is unsure as to the seriousness of whatever text message she has received, with the necessary blasphemy incorporated therein.

ur kute…lol…wan 2 go out 2 da muvees?: The mating call of the texter. The desparation is palpable when reading this. It almost appears as if the texter is willing to spread her legs for the first male self-absorbed enough to kiss her. Sad in a way. Even more for the rest of us since we have to foot the bill for her wanton whoredom later in life with welfare.

ur n asshoe…fuk u…go suk a d…: Of course, the spurned texter. Dedicated to the pursuit of proving that any man not attracted to her marginal intelligence and flat chest is gay. Surely they could not have dumped her because she’s a stupid piece of shit. It has to have been their problem.

Merry christmas…thats insulting…im jewish: Translation: I’m a psychotic but I’m still going to attack you even though I initiated this increasingly uncomfortable conversation. I have done nothing wrong so clearly everything that has happened is because you have been a needy partner. We need to see other people. Wait we’re not dating? Irrelevent!

ok well den ll let u enjoi ur bedtime snack im gonna play wit my smooth hairless fukhole b4 bed night: …wait a minute, WHAT?

You did great im super proud to be your lover: Ah yes. Okay, this one’s a tricky little bastard. It may APPEAR at first glance that it is a nice sweet intimate text from a loving caring girlfriend. However, if you look deeper, it actually says “I’m going to leave you and the other guy I’m seeing in a few days and start legitimately dating a third guy and there’s nothing you can do about it. Fucker.” See? Gotta read between the lines. And no, I’m not fucking bitter at all.

omg possum…theres a possum outside…o wait trashcan is on fire…gtg…ill text later…im so drunk…bye: And last but not least we have the prototypical “drunk text” in which the person in possession of the phone finds it incredibly necessary – indeed almost life-threateningly so – to text everyone they know to tell them A) how drunk they are and B) whatever is going on around them at the time. Similarly, drunk texters may also send declarations of love to various people even though I fucking specifically told everyone to take my phone away from me to prevent me doing that very thing.

We hope this has helped you begin to understand the dark and seamy underworld of text messaging. We know it’s scary but if you just close your eyes and believe really hard…nothing will happen, but at least you’ll have looked stupid. And in the end, isn’t that what really matters?

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