Rupert the Drunk Teaches himself Guitar

Posted: January 30, 2009 by pred3000 in Uncategorized
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From the depths of the bottle came one man inspired to do the most random things while slowly becoming smashed. To add insult to injury, he decided to track his progress. This man is named Rupert. These are his adventures:

The Adventures of Rupert the Drunk

Today, Rupert will attempt to teach himself how to play the guitar

1 min-Hi everyone. Well, Here I am, ready to go. I’ve got my guitar, I’ve got my six pack, I’ve got my handle, I am ready to go. Ok. Now the trick is, if you want to teach yourself anything, you need to find a good website. Well, I’ve got one right here. Let’s see

5 min-Well, I’ve had one beer, so I am loose and ready to go. Let’s see. The different strings. Alright, there’s one. That was simple. I will have this in no time.

10 min- Hoo, I feel dizzy all of a sudden. But I’ve only had, what, three? Jesus, I need to slow down. Ok, where were we…alright, chords. I can…wait..what is that?

20 min-Ok, woo, I got…ok…getting a little dizzy. OK, I need to settle down a bit. I got a chord….not, that one. Hold up a sec

29-I am going to be the next Jimmy Page. You know what? Fuck Jimmy Page. I could destroy that pussy Jimmy Page. Where is that pussy Jimmy Page?

Editor’s note-It was at this point in the proceedings that Rupert finished his six pack and reached for his handle. He also got into an imaginary argument with famed Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page:

36 min-There you are you son of a bitch. You were out boning my girlfriend, weren’t you? WEREN’T YOU?

41 min-OOOO, if I touch the strings, I make a funny noise.

Editor’s note: At this point, Rupert found himself thinking he had learned the opening riff of the Rolling Stones’ “Satisfaction” when he, in reality, had just discovered the G chord

45-55 min-I can’t get no….Sat.is..fact…shun

1 hour 4 minutes-Ok, what is going on here? I have this piece of wood in my hands. I’m lonely. Hello?

1 hour 13 min-BLAAARRG

Editor’s note: At this point, Rupert appears to have abandoned his goal in favor of urinating on his couch.

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