The First Everything Ever Awards

Posted: January 27, 2009 by kaostheory in Awards

Hello everyone and welcome to the first ever “Everything Ever” Awards which rewards the best and brightest, or worst and most tarnished, of anything that has ever existed or been created or just could have been at some point. In the spirit of the season – awards season that is – we have decided that it was time for us to throw our prodigious hat into the ring of awards and throw ourselves a kickass post-show party. I’ve heard that we’re importing Portuguese hookers this year! Without any further ado, let’s get to the giving!

Our first award is the Fuck Darwin Award which celebrates the most biologically/evolutionary puzzling creature in existence and the winner is… The Platypus! How many times have you seen this creature and thought to yourself “This thing is basically just God saying ‘Eh, let’s hit randomize on the creature creator'”? Nature’s twisted design has damned this animal to a life of looking like the offspring of Donald Duck and a Teletubbie.

Next up is the Tongue Abuser (Country) Award, honoring the country that is the biggest pain in the ass to pronounce name-wise and the winner is…Kyrgyzstan! This tiny little Middle Eastern country says “Fuck you vowels!” on its way to becoming bar trivia and the answer to the question “Which country would nobody ever miss”?

Moving right along, we have the Most Underrated 13th Century Neo-Scholastic Award which is quite obviously self-explanatory and the winner is…William de Moerbeka! And we all know why he is such a deserving recipient so let’s keep this rolling!

Our next award was a very difficult one to decide. But the award for Most Pretentious Term to Describe An Emotional Concept goes to Ennui! Ennui basically means boredom, almost to the point of being oppressive, but has been shangheied by hipsters and Frenchmen to describe a lack of interest in anything, usually as a criticism of some form of artistic expression. See: mime.

As we continue on with our ceremony, we would like to remind all the audience members in attendence that cell phone use is strictly forbidden tonight. And as an insurance policy, we have taken one family member of yours hostage, to be released once the ceremony goes off ringtone-free.

The next award, the You Son of a Bitch Rock Award explores the deep feelings of rage and resentment that a particular rock or mineral coaxes out of that ethereal mist known as a soul. And the winner is Pyrite! Throughout the gold mining era and even to this very day, the emotional swing from “I’m rich!” to “I’m so poor I need to bash my head in with this useless rock” that pyrite creates is unparalleled in the mineral world.

As we keep rolling, we have reached the Old School End Boss That Caused You to Break Your Mouse Award, detailing the boss that, as a kid, frustrated you to no end…and the winner is The Yeti from Ski Free! One of the standard Microsoft games that came with the early computers, Ski Free was a fun little romp that became very addicting over time. Of course, there was a nasty little surprise at the end, that being The Yeti, an ugly little gray bastard who would jump out of the forest and consume your skier, forcing you to start the game over. Many a curse word was learned from that game. Ask any kid who grew up with games and watch their face fall with the memory of failure.

The end is in sight as we reach our next award, the Most Likely to Be the Next Heath Ledger Award, attempting to prognosticate over who’s the next young big name star to go down and the winner is…Miley Cyrus! Our voters are overwhelmingly (63%) in favor of this occurring because of a mishap involving farm implements, the Dallas Mavericks and her virginity. 17% say it will happen due to a wardrobe malfunction as Hannah Montana and the subsequent shame, while the last 20% claim car crash, overdose, and BDSM gone awry as the reason.

Our last award – and the most prestigious – is our Lifetime Achievement Award, dedicated to the thing that has lasted us the longest in history and the winner is…drumroll please…Life! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen! Life has won the Lifetime Achievement Award! Let’s give it a big hand!

Well, that’s our show, everyone. We here at DECF thank you for tuning in to join us on this special night. We hope that all our very deserving winners will enjoy their Evvies and live long, fruitful lives. Except Miley. I have 20 grand riding on that bitch tanking it by June. Good night everyone!

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