Ask A Man Attempting to Rape a Lion

Posted: January 27, 2009 by pred3000 in Advice

Dear Man Attempting to Rape a Lion: I’ve been married for three years. He was the man of my dreams. Lately though, I’ve been having trouble communicating with him. He will go out for hours at a time and never tell me where. When I ask him, he merely shrugs. How can I communicate with him?

Confused in Kalamazoo

Dear Confused: OK, we all know the drill right? Just keep the animal down. Joey, what did I tell you about the tranquilizer? Joey?! That is just not going to cut it. Go and get more. We don’t want it waking up, now do we? Alright, just hold his limbs down. Trust me, I’ve done this a bunch of times. I’m going in.

Dear Man Attempting to Rape a Lion: I need help. I don’t know why I wake up in the morning anymore. I just feel like trying something new, but have no idea where to start. What would you recommend?

Troubled in Texas

Dear Troubled: OK, lift the tail up. Is it asleep? Alright. Wait, what is that? I have never seen that before. Joey, come over here. You ever see that before? Well, it doesn’t matter…move it aside would you? No, the other way! Some days Joey, I wonder if you are really cut out for this business. OK, I am pumped, let’s do this.

Dear Man Attempting to Rape a Lion: I have been divorced for five years. My wife left me and took everything with her. I haven’t even had the confidence to go and talk to anyone new. Now, I am looking to broaden my horizons, but still have doubts. Am I ready to go back out into the world?

Divorced in Detroit

Dear Divorced: You know, I never understood why this is illegal. This feels…. Joey, what the hell is that? That face. Look, if you are just going to just make faces, then you can leave. What? What was that? Look, we can take this outside. Ah dude, look at that! Now we have to start all over again

Dear Man Attempting to Rape a Lion: I work 16 hour days, but my boss has never noticed me. He gives promotions to his friends while leaving me in the dust. I could be using this time for other things but I want to do what’s best for my job. I just wish I could receive some recognition. How do I talk to my boss?

Overworked in Oklahoma

Dear Overworked: Alright, round two, here we go. Alright. Oh yea. Oh yea. Oh yea….Joey, what are you doing now? This is seriously starting to stress me out. No, Joey. What? No, it isn’t gross. I could get with any woman in the world. Right now, I just want a lion. What? I have too! Remember Charlene? Not the parrot, the woman. Dammit Joey!

Dear Man Attempting to Rape a Lion: I am 75 years old, living in a retirement community. I want nothing more than to go back out in the world. However, people seem to have forgotten about me. They think I am a child. I have lived long and don’t understand the fuss. What should I do?

Elderly in Akron

Dear Elderly: Ok, Joey…please don’t distract me. Ok, wait, what was that. What? It’s paw…its waking up! Dammit, clear the room. What did I tell you about the tranquilizer? Jesus, now it’s growling. Hey..kitty. Hey…no, not the claws…nooooooooooooooooo

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