Archive for January, 2009

Interpreting Text Messages for Dummies

Posted: January 31, 2009 by kaostheory in Advice

Hello again and welcome to today’s seminar on how to interpret that scary new phenomenon known as “texting”. “Texting” is a feature integrated in cell phones that is similar to an instant messaging program in that the vast majority of people using it are fucking retards. Oh…and it requires some knowledge of the English language. Unfortunately, texting has also evolved the English language into something that reads like a cross between Gaelic and someone using a speakerphone while suffering an epileptic seizure. We here at DECF want to help those of you with a modest amount of brain cells at least be able to understand the basics of this linguistic rape. Here are some examples.

hlo how r u?: This one is pretty self-explanatory. With a little effort, a normal person can understand that the texter is saying hello and asking the recipient how they are. Of course, understanding why they chose to drop an e, l, a, e, y and o is something entirely different.

so r u gon wif me 2 da killrz concrt n shit?: Okay now we’re moving on to more difficult interpretations. It appears at first glance as if the texter in question banged the phone into their face repeatedly but in fact they are asking an actual question, that being “So are you going to go with me to the Killers concert among other things?”. Note the extraneous use of “shit” as a modifier. Texters find excretory functions necessary components of text speak.

neways da truf is dat i don wan 2 date him nemore…n it hurtz ya no: Ah, emotion in texts! Such a beautiful, sad, hilarious thing. This particular girl in question is relating to her friend her angst about wanting to dump her boyfriend. Surely this must hurt because she lost her virginity in a fog of Natty Light and low-grade pot. Such fragile beauty must not be wasted. She will love again, assuredly.

OMGZ!!!!! u cnt b sryus!: Oh yes, the surprised text. A classic. This particular text is very clear about what is being said. The texter is unsure as to the seriousness of whatever text message she has received, with the necessary blasphemy incorporated therein.

ur kute…lol…wan 2 go out 2 da muvees?: The mating call of the texter. The desparation is palpable when reading this. It almost appears as if the texter is willing to spread her legs for the first male self-absorbed enough to kiss her. Sad in a way. Even more for the rest of us since we have to foot the bill for her wanton whoredom later in life with welfare.

ur n asshoe…fuk u…go suk a d…: Of course, the spurned texter. Dedicated to the pursuit of proving that any man not attracted to her marginal intelligence and flat chest is gay. Surely they could not have dumped her because she’s a stupid piece of shit. It has to have been their problem.

Merry christmas…thats insulting…im jewish: Translation: I’m a psychotic but I’m still going to attack you even though I initiated this increasingly uncomfortable conversation. I have done nothing wrong so clearly everything that has happened is because you have been a needy partner. We need to see other people. Wait we’re not dating? Irrelevent!

ok well den ll let u enjoi ur bedtime snack im gonna play wit my smooth hairless fukhole b4 bed night: …wait a minute, WHAT?

You did great im super proud to be your lover: Ah yes. Okay, this one’s a tricky little bastard. It may APPEAR at first glance that it is a nice sweet intimate text from a loving caring girlfriend. However, if you look deeper, it actually says “I’m going to leave you and the other guy I’m seeing in a few days and start legitimately dating a third guy and there’s nothing you can do about it. Fucker.” See? Gotta read between the lines. And no, I’m not fucking bitter at all.

omg possum…theres a possum outside…o wait trashcan is on fire…gtg…ill text later…im so drunk…bye: And last but not least we have the prototypical “drunk text” in which the person in possession of the phone finds it incredibly necessary – indeed almost life-threateningly so – to text everyone they know to tell them A) how drunk they are and B) whatever is going on around them at the time. Similarly, drunk texters may also send declarations of love to various people even though I fucking specifically told everyone to take my phone away from me to prevent me doing that very thing.

We hope this has helped you begin to understand the dark and seamy underworld of text messaging. We know it’s scary but if you just close your eyes and believe really hard…nothing will happen, but at least you’ll have looked stupid. And in the end, isn’t that what really matters?

Rupert the Drunk Teaches himself Guitar

Posted: January 30, 2009 by pred3000 in Uncategorized

From the depths of the bottle came one man inspired to do the most random things while slowly becoming smashed. To add insult to injury, he decided to track his progress. This man is named Rupert. These are his adventures:

The Adventures of Rupert the Drunk

Today, Rupert will attempt to teach himself how to play the guitar

1 min-Hi everyone. Well, Here I am, ready to go. I’ve got my guitar, I’ve got my six pack, I’ve got my handle, I am ready to go. Ok. Now the trick is, if you want to teach yourself anything, you need to find a good website. Well, I’ve got one right here. Let’s see

5 min-Well, I’ve had one beer, so I am loose and ready to go. Let’s see. The different strings. Alright, there’s one. That was simple. I will have this in no time.

10 min- Hoo, I feel dizzy all of a sudden. But I’ve only had, what, three? Jesus, I need to slow down. Ok, where were we…alright, chords. I can…wait..what is that?

20 min-Ok, woo, I got…ok…getting a little dizzy. OK, I need to settle down a bit. I got a chord….not, that one. Hold up a sec

29-I am going to be the next Jimmy Page. You know what? Fuck Jimmy Page. I could destroy that pussy Jimmy Page. Where is that pussy Jimmy Page?

Editor’s note-It was at this point in the proceedings that Rupert finished his six pack and reached for his handle. He also got into an imaginary argument with famed Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page:

36 min-There you are you son of a bitch. You were out boning my girlfriend, weren’t you? WEREN’T YOU?

41 min-OOOO, if I touch the strings, I make a funny noise.

Editor’s note: At this point, Rupert found himself thinking he had learned the opening riff of the Rolling Stones’ “Satisfaction” when he, in reality, had just discovered the G chord

45-55 min-I can’t get no……shun

1 hour 4 minutes-Ok, what is going on here? I have this piece of wood in my hands. I’m lonely. Hello?

1 hour 13 min-BLAAARRG

Editor’s note: At this point, Rupert appears to have abandoned his goal in favor of urinating on his couch.

Ask A Man Attempting to Rape a Lion

Posted: January 27, 2009 by pred3000 in Advice

Dear Man Attempting to Rape a Lion: I’ve been married for three years. He was the man of my dreams. Lately though, I’ve been having trouble communicating with him. He will go out for hours at a time and never tell me where. When I ask him, he merely shrugs. How can I communicate with him?

Confused in Kalamazoo

Dear Confused: OK, we all know the drill right? Just keep the animal down. Joey, what did I tell you about the tranquilizer? Joey?! That is just not going to cut it. Go and get more. We don’t want it waking up, now do we? Alright, just hold his limbs down. Trust me, I’ve done this a bunch of times. I’m going in.

Dear Man Attempting to Rape a Lion: I need help. I don’t know why I wake up in the morning anymore. I just feel like trying something new, but have no idea where to start. What would you recommend?

Troubled in Texas

Dear Troubled: OK, lift the tail up. Is it asleep? Alright. Wait, what is that? I have never seen that before. Joey, come over here. You ever see that before? Well, it doesn’t matter…move it aside would you? No, the other way! Some days Joey, I wonder if you are really cut out for this business. OK, I am pumped, let’s do this.

Dear Man Attempting to Rape a Lion: I have been divorced for five years. My wife left me and took everything with her. I haven’t even had the confidence to go and talk to anyone new. Now, I am looking to broaden my horizons, but still have doubts. Am I ready to go back out into the world?

Divorced in Detroit

Dear Divorced: You know, I never understood why this is illegal. This feels…. Joey, what the hell is that? That face. Look, if you are just going to just make faces, then you can leave. What? What was that? Look, we can take this outside. Ah dude, look at that! Now we have to start all over again

Dear Man Attempting to Rape a Lion: I work 16 hour days, but my boss has never noticed me. He gives promotions to his friends while leaving me in the dust. I could be using this time for other things but I want to do what’s best for my job. I just wish I could receive some recognition. How do I talk to my boss?

Overworked in Oklahoma

Dear Overworked: Alright, round two, here we go. Alright. Oh yea. Oh yea. Oh yea….Joey, what are you doing now? This is seriously starting to stress me out. No, Joey. What? No, it isn’t gross. I could get with any woman in the world. Right now, I just want a lion. What? I have too! Remember Charlene? Not the parrot, the woman. Dammit Joey!

Dear Man Attempting to Rape a Lion: I am 75 years old, living in a retirement community. I want nothing more than to go back out in the world. However, people seem to have forgotten about me. They think I am a child. I have lived long and don’t understand the fuss. What should I do?

Elderly in Akron

Dear Elderly: Ok, Joey…please don’t distract me. Ok, wait, what was that. What? It’s paw…its waking up! Dammit, clear the room. What did I tell you about the tranquilizer? Jesus, now it’s growling. Hey..kitty. Hey…no, not the claws…nooooooooooooooooo

The First Everything Ever Awards

Posted: January 27, 2009 by kaostheory in Awards

Hello everyone and welcome to the first ever “Everything Ever” Awards which rewards the best and brightest, or worst and most tarnished, of anything that has ever existed or been created or just could have been at some point. In the spirit of the season – awards season that is – we have decided that it was time for us to throw our prodigious hat into the ring of awards and throw ourselves a kickass post-show party. I’ve heard that we’re importing Portuguese hookers this year! Without any further ado, let’s get to the giving!

Our first award is the Fuck Darwin Award which celebrates the most biologically/evolutionary puzzling creature in existence and the winner is… The Platypus! How many times have you seen this creature and thought to yourself “This thing is basically just God saying ‘Eh, let’s hit randomize on the creature creator'”? Nature’s twisted design has damned this animal to a life of looking like the offspring of Donald Duck and a Teletubbie.

Next up is the Tongue Abuser (Country) Award, honoring the country that is the biggest pain in the ass to pronounce name-wise and the winner is…Kyrgyzstan! This tiny little Middle Eastern country says “Fuck you vowels!” on its way to becoming bar trivia and the answer to the question “Which country would nobody ever miss”?

Moving right along, we have the Most Underrated 13th Century Neo-Scholastic Award which is quite obviously self-explanatory and the winner is…William de Moerbeka! And we all know why he is such a deserving recipient so let’s keep this rolling!

Our next award was a very difficult one to decide. But the award for Most Pretentious Term to Describe An Emotional Concept goes to Ennui! Ennui basically means boredom, almost to the point of being oppressive, but has been shangheied by hipsters and Frenchmen to describe a lack of interest in anything, usually as a criticism of some form of artistic expression. See: mime.

As we continue on with our ceremony, we would like to remind all the audience members in attendence that cell phone use is strictly forbidden tonight. And as an insurance policy, we have taken one family member of yours hostage, to be released once the ceremony goes off ringtone-free.

The next award, the You Son of a Bitch Rock Award explores the deep feelings of rage and resentment that a particular rock or mineral coaxes out of that ethereal mist known as a soul. And the winner is Pyrite! Throughout the gold mining era and even to this very day, the emotional swing from “I’m rich!” to “I’m so poor I need to bash my head in with this useless rock” that pyrite creates is unparalleled in the mineral world.

As we keep rolling, we have reached the Old School End Boss That Caused You to Break Your Mouse Award, detailing the boss that, as a kid, frustrated you to no end…and the winner is The Yeti from Ski Free! One of the standard Microsoft games that came with the early computers, Ski Free was a fun little romp that became very addicting over time. Of course, there was a nasty little surprise at the end, that being The Yeti, an ugly little gray bastard who would jump out of the forest and consume your skier, forcing you to start the game over. Many a curse word was learned from that game. Ask any kid who grew up with games and watch their face fall with the memory of failure.

The end is in sight as we reach our next award, the Most Likely to Be the Next Heath Ledger Award, attempting to prognosticate over who’s the next young big name star to go down and the winner is…Miley Cyrus! Our voters are overwhelmingly (63%) in favor of this occurring because of a mishap involving farm implements, the Dallas Mavericks and her virginity. 17% say it will happen due to a wardrobe malfunction as Hannah Montana and the subsequent shame, while the last 20% claim car crash, overdose, and BDSM gone awry as the reason.

Our last award – and the most prestigious – is our Lifetime Achievement Award, dedicated to the thing that has lasted us the longest in history and the winner is…drumroll please…Life! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen! Life has won the Lifetime Achievement Award! Let’s give it a big hand!

Well, that’s our show, everyone. We here at DECF thank you for tuning in to join us on this special night. We hope that all our very deserving winners will enjoy their Evvies and live long, fruitful lives. Except Miley. I have 20 grand riding on that bitch tanking it by June. Good night everyone!

Right, Wrong, Very Wrong

Posted: January 27, 2009 by kaostheory in Advice

In  our daily lives, each and every one of us has multiple opportunities to respond to various statements. It is up to us, then, to determine how we handle those particular moments. DECF is here to help you out with some guidelines to aid true positive discourse. Let these help you in times of trouble.

Statement: “Do these pants make my ass look fat?”
Right Answer: “Of course not, sweetie. You look fantastic in those as you do in everything.”
Wrong Answer: “Yeah, but it doesn’t matter. It’s all in proportion anyways.”
Very Wrong Answer: “Hon, that’s not physically possible. ”
Statement: “Hey, could you hold this for me for a second?”
Right Answer: “Sure, I’d love to.”
Wrong Answer: “Only if you don’t want it back.”
Very Wrong Answer: “But I have my hands full with my own!”
Statement: “Can I get your number?”
Right Answer: “Alright it’s…” or “Sorry, I’m afraid not.”
Wrong Answer: “*insert one of thousands of crappy, lame turn-down lines that give girls estrogrenrections*”
Very Wrong Answer: “Sorry, last time I tried that, I got raped. Repeatedly.”
Statement: “So your girlfriend woke me up last night by being loud…”
Right Answer: “Oh, I apologize. We’ll try to keep it down next time.”
Wrong Answer: “And? It’s better than porn.”
Very Wrong Answer: “Well yeah. That’s because she had my dick inside her.”
Statement: “Oh my God! You hit my dog!”
Right Answer: “I am so sorry! Is there anything I can do?”
Wrong Answer: “It’s in a better place now, at least looking at your yard.”
Very Wrong Answer: “No, YOUR dog hit MY bumper.”
Statement: “Wow…she’s pretty cute. Should I go for it?”
Right Answer: “Go for it. I’ll wingman for you.”
Wrong Answer: “Sure. I mean, why not play Russian Roulette with your crotch?”
Very Wrong Answer: “Daddy issues. Likes her hair pulled. Will try it in the butt if she’s drunk. Uses too much teeth during oral. Oh yeah. And she had an ortion-abay when she was ixteen-say.”
Statement: “She came over last night and gave me a hand with my homework.”
Right Answer: “That was nice of her. Did you get a lot accomplished?”
Wrong Answer: “Yeah, I bet she gave you a hand!”
Very Wrong Answer: “Came over what?”
Statement: “Do you want to go down to the liquor store with me?”
Right Answer: “Sure. I need to pick up a six-pack for the weekend anyways.”
Wrong Answer: “I’d rather go down in the liquor store on you.”
Very Wrong Answer: “Welllll…I arreddy hadda fiffththhth of Jack but Ikin drive! Gimme keys!”
Statement: “Did you get my text?”
Right Answer: “Yes, I did.” or “No, I’m afraid not.”
Wrong Answer: “Yis i dd!” or “no…m fraid no…resnd plzkthx”
Very Wrong Answer: “Yes, I did. And I must say I don’t appreciate being called a dirty filthy cockwhore. We’ll discuss this at home. ~Dad.”
Statement: “So what did you eat for breakfast?”
Right Answer: “I don’t usually eat breakfast.” or “*list contents of breakfast*”
Wrong Answer: “Maybe you should ask my girlfriend.”
Very Wrong Answer: “Oh, you know. Just some Cindy bacon from my freezer. Nothing much. Oh, and eggs.”
Statement: “That’s how you get ahead!”
Right Answer: “Interesting. I’ll make a note of that.”
Wrong Answer: “Hahahaha. Head.”
Very Wrong Answer: “Wait? What? I thought that required an AMEX black card and Grey Goose.”
Statement: “She’s really on top of it today.”
Right Answer: “She is. She’s a real go-getter.”
Wrong Answer: “Only today, huh?”
Very Wrong Answer: “If by it, you mean our professor and by on top you mean riding like a roller coaster, then yes, I do believe she is.”
Statement: “What time do you need to get up?”
Right Answer: “Probably around 7:30 or 8. It’s a full day tomorrow.”
Wrong Answer: “None of your fucking business, nosy.”
Very Wrong Answer: “If I’m not outside by noon, come and check my room. My rum-soaked corpse will thank you from the funeral home.”
Statement: “Ugh, I was so busy today.”
Right Answer: “I feel you there. I’m exhausted.”
Wrong Answer: “Yeah, your knees must be hurting, huh?”
Very Wrong Answer: “Me too. I swear to God, you slap one special kid to teach him a lesson, you will never hear the end of it from the other teachers. Hypocrites.”
Statement: “What do you want to do?”
Right Answer: “I don’t know. We have a lot of options right now.”
Wrong Answer: “Drink, gamble, porn, rinse, repeat.”
Very Wrong Answer: “Your mom. Oh wait. Already did.”
Statement: “I’m pregnant.”
Right Answer: “That’s wonderful news, honey!”
Wrong Answer: “*openly weeping into your dinner*”
Very Wrong Answer: “Is it mine?”

We hope these have helped you! We here at DECF believe that our children are our future and can safely say that our future sucks.

And a New Day Rises Over Atlanta

Posted: January 26, 2009 by kaostheory in Uncategorized

Testing…testing…1…2…1…2. Is this thing on? Hello? Damnit. Hold on.

*spark of lightning*

And there was light! Goddamn techs.

Alrighty. Hello and welcome to Dan Eats Cat Food at, home of the best, the brightest and the cheapest bloggers/comedy writers/hacks this side of Sundance. I’m KaosTheory – call me Aaron – and I’m popping the cherry on this bitch.

Let me explain to all of you out there (read: nobody yet ) what DECF is about. We are dedicated to providing an alternative source of humor for today’s work-a-day world. We are not getting paid (yet). We are not doing this for selfish reasons (okay, maybe we are). We are not here to plug anything other than our Grade-A  (fine, B- ), 100% natural homegrown laughs with absolutely no preservatives, growth hormones or banzai kittening inside offer not valid in Rhode Island take only as needed children under 12 should fuck right off. In short, we’re here to please YOU. That’s right Carmen in Seat 2G! You. And fine, maybe the rest of you too.

We’re going to keep our update schedule pretty lax for the first little bit. Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays sound about right. We’ll also post whenever the hell else we feel like it so be sure to check back daily to see if any more Oscar-winning content has been posted.

So welcome, enjoy the site and don’t drink the water. Seriously. You don’t want to know what lived in there.